Pregnancy Loss and the Grief that Follows

As a child I always wanted to be a mom. I loved playing house with my cousins and setting up my baby dolls and my double baby doll stroller, so when I had 2 miscarriages in my 20s I was devastated at the possibility I would never have children. 

Pregnancy loss isn’t talked about much, and it wasn’t until after I had my miscarriages and talking to other women I knew who had miscarriages and went on to have healthy babies. 

With pregnancy loss, being a taboo subject at times, we end up hiding the fact that we are grieving. Also, a lot of miscarriages happen during the first trimester and that can be before you have told family or friends you are expecting, so the grieving can happen in silence and make us feel even more alone. We move in and out of the grieving process and there is no right or wrong way to process our grief. 

There are what is considered the 5 stages of grief

1. Denial and Isolation

   You may experience disbelief and still “feel” pregnant. Denial is our human way of rationalizing our overwhelming emotions. We are in “shock” essentially. You may find yourself isolating more from others, the pain can be too intense to want to be around other people. Sometimes people don’t know what to say to provide comfort or they feel they need to say something to help you feel better, when in reality we want their support and know they are there for us, sometimes without words. We all deal with grief in different ways and sometimes people unintentionally say hurtful things when we are in grief.
   

2. Anger

   We are left wondering why did this happen or why did this happen to me? Possibly wondering if you can ever have children which adds a whole other layer to your grief. Maybe you feel angry or resentful when you see other pregnant women or women with newborns wishing that was you. Some have feelings of being angry with God and thinking why would He ever allow this to happen. For some, loss will strengthen their relationship with God, or people will break away. Maybe, you are angry at yourself, thinking you could have done something differently, when in reality this was out of your control. 
   

3. Bargaining

   As mentioned above, this is out of our control and to feel some sense of control in our life we will use bargaining as a way to try and feel better. Sometimes people bargain with God. This is where guilt can come in and try to take over. Making us think we could have done something differently. Maybe I should have rested more, eaten better, etc. 
   

4. Depression

   This stage comes with sadness, regret, crying, isolation, and irritability. This is a period of time where we need good support and we welcome it. It can feel normalizing and validating to hear other’s stories of loss or feel good just to get a hug.
   

5. Acceptance

   We are on our way to healing now, this doesn’t mean you forget the person or the little one growing inside you, it means you feel more calm and peaceful about the loss. Feeling more comforted. Some people never make it this stage or it takes a long time to get to acceptance.

   The grieving process looks different for everyone and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

   As humans, it is natural for us to move through these stages and in no particular order. When we think we are not angry anymore about it, it pops up again. As mentioned above, there is no particular length of time for us to process our grief, but if you begin to notice you are having trouble with your daily functioning due to your loss that may be an opportunity to seek out professional help. Trouble functioning can look like missing work, sleeping longer than usual, having thoughts to hurt yourself, not eating as much, extreme fatigue, and loss of interest in pleasurable activities. 

   Support and help can look different for everyone, there are support groups for grief and loss, you can look into your local Church for what supports they offer, or you can seek out professional counseling. 

   If you are interested in counseling and want to work through your grief and find healing, I offer individual therapy for those experiencing extended grief related to pregnancy loss. 

   Serving people who reside in Fort Collins, Loveland, and Windsor Colorado. 

   Offering telehealth services to those who reside in Colorado
   
   posted by Alison Hartman, MA, LMFT owner of Hartman Therapy
   

Sleep who needs it…everyone

There is no doubt that getting sleep with a new baby is challenging. After baby number 2 and returning to work there were nights when I got 4 hours of sleep and then worked all day. No surprise then that she finally started sleeping through the night at AGE 2 :) 

Lack of sleep can lead to irritability, trouble focusing, relationship troubles, and can even lead to depression. 

So how do you survive these times with a baby and get your much needed rest here are 3 tips to get you through your day.

Tip #1 Sleep when baby sleeps

Easier said than done right? And probably heard this from others, but it definitely helps. When baby naps during the day you nap. The dishes, laundry, and other household chores can wait, believe me it can. Getting that sleep is vital to your self care. Take advantage of this time with baby and get that rest before you know it they'll be running around the house.

Tip #2 Ask for help

This one I struggle with the most, but important. There is no reason why you must try and do it all on your own. Ask your partner to spend time with baby to so you can sleep, invite a friend over, or family member to help you with baby as well. Take advantage of the offers to help people are giving you, overcome any stubbornness, and say YES! To the help!

Tip #3 Mindset change

Letting down your expectations that baby should be sleeping more, so you can sleep more, let go of expecting to feel completely rested and caught up all the time.   Let go of being angry that you don't have time for yourself to even sleep. Having a positive mindset and the expectation that right now, during this transition it is going to be hard, but it is doable. You won't get the best sleep, but this time will pass. You are tired a lot, but this won't be forever. Telling yourself these positive self statements will help you to have a more positive outlook.  You can do this and remember you don't have to do it alone.

Lastly...

If you begin to notice that even with sleep you are continuing to struggle don't stay silent reach out for help. Whether that's family, friends, or your faith community. Getting support from others is OKAY. There is a reason why the saying exists "it takes a village to raise a child". Therapy could also be a solution to overcome these struggles. 

Make the call today to find relief. 

Proving counseling services in Northern Colorado