Poem on Motherhood

I came across this poem recently and I wanted to share it with you all. It is honest and moving and describes our inner thoughts and feelings on being a mom. Hope you enjoy :) 

Via The Tuna Chronicles

"Mama, you told me

That motherhood would be wonderful.

But Mama, you never told me

What it would do to me.

How it would take the woman that I was;

The woman who thought she knew everything

And could control everything

And break her down and

Teach her that

She had so much to learn.

Mama, you told me

There would be sleepless nights.

But Mama, you never told me

Just how tired I would be;

How sleep would become a luxury, and not something

To which I am entitled;

But that there was nothing sweeter

Than hearing the sound

Of their steady breath while they slept;

And that even when all I wanted

Was to close my eyes

For five more minutes,

Small, soft, chubby arms

Around my neck,

Singing me songs,

Telling me stories,

Giggling and squealing,

Would make me forget how badly I needed to sleep.

Mama, you told me

That I would figure it out one day at a time.

But Mama, you never told me

That motherhood would take the perfectionist in me,

And whittle her down to someone that

Has no choice but to accept

That sometimes,

"Good enough"

Is enough.

Mama, you told me

That motherhood would change the way I think.

But Mama, you never told me

How my sharp memory would be torn into shreds,

And that I would forget,

Misplace,

And confuse things;

But that I would remember nothing more clearly

Than the way the weight of their

Small, warm bodies felt

In my longing arms,

The first time I held them.

Mama, you told me

That motherhood would teach me selflessness.

But Mama, you never told me

How sometimes I would feel like my independence,

My freedom,

My time,

My sense of self,

Had all been taken away

And that I would feel guilty sometimes wishing I could have it all back;

But that in fact, it is a privilege to be needed by someone

So deeply

And that motherhood would gift me

With so many exhilaratingly precious moments

That take my breath away.

Mama, you told me

That motherhood would change my priorities.

But Mama, you never told me

About the worrying;

How much I would worry.

Are they happy? Are they healthy?

Are they okay?

Am I enough?

I didn't know that someone else's needs could

So wholly and completely

Consume my every thought

And that everything else would become

Unimportant,

Secondary,

As long as my children were happy.

Mama, you told me

That it would be a joy to watch them grow up.

But Mama, you never told me

How quickly the time would pass;

How the hours, the days, the weeks and the months

Would slip through

My fingers

So fast

That I would suddenly find myself looking at a child instead of a baby;

A baby instead of a newborn;

And beg time to be a little bit kinder and wait for me to catch up.

Mama, you told me

That motherhood would teach me things.

But Mama, you never told me

How becoming a mother would test me

And push me

And make me doubt myself

And lead me to think that I was doing everything wrong;

But that with each test, each push, each trying moment

It would teach me

How to be better

How to be stronger

And just how much I was capable of.

Mama, you told me

You loved me.

But Mama, you never told me

How that love would run so fiercely through my veins;

How every other kind of love

I have ever felt

Would be nothing like this.

How it would be a love that teaches me

To give more than I ever thought I could give,

To somehow want to give even more when I think I have nothing left,

And to be grateful for the simplest of joys."

Written by Rasha Rushdy for her blog - The Tuna Chronicles

with care,

alison 

happy.healthy.you.

Alison is the owner of Hartman Therapy in Colorado. She offers online counseling helping tired, overwhelmed moms, sad teens, and frustrated parents. Alison has been working with adolescents, families, and adults for the past 7 years helping to build healthy, resilient families. She specializes in perinatal mental health and teen girl depression and anxiety. 

You can contact her at 970-795-2100 or by email alison@hartmantherapyco.com 

What’s your communication style? Is it serving you?

Sometimes it may feel like you aren’t being listened to and no one is really hearing what you are saying. This can lead to feeling hopeless, resentful, and like you are not getting your needs met. When this happens we can feel stuck and more uncertain about the situation. The way we communicate with others can impact how we feel and the health of the relationship. 

As a mom, we wear many different hats and if we are not communicating in a clear, respectful, effective way this will impact our relationships and our mental health. 

Here is a list of the different ways people communicate with one another. 

4 types of communication styles

The first 3 may not be serving you well

Passive Communication

Characteristics and traits of passive communication:

You do not express your needs or feelings

Often do not respond to hurtful situations and all themselves to be taken advantage of or treated unfairly. 

Poor eye contact

Allows others to infringe on their rights

Softly spoken

“Shutting down”

Impact of passive communication:

often feel anxious because life seems out of control

 often feel depressed because they feel stuck and hopeless

often feel resentful (but are unaware of it) because their needs are not being met  

often feel confused because they ignore their own feelings

 are unable to make progress because real issues are never addressed

Aggressive Communication

Characteristics and traits of aggressive communication:

Infringe/violate rights of others when expressing own feelings/needs

May be verbally abusive 

Criticize, humiliate, and domination

Fails to listen to others, interrupts a lot

Easily frustrated

Speaking in loud overbearing way

Impact of aggressive communication

Blame others for how they feel

May isolate themselves from others

Create fear and uneasiness

Passive Aggressive Communication

Characteristics of passive aggressive communication:

Seem passive on the surface, but are acting out their anger in subtle, non-overt ways

May mutter to themselves without speaking directly to the other person

Use facial expressions that don’t match how they feel

Se sarcasm

Deny there is a problem 

Use subtle sabotage to get even

Impact of passive aggressive communication:

Often left feeling resentful, stuck, and hopeless

What we strive for:

Assertive Communication

Expresses feelings and needs in a way that respects the rights of others

Respect for everyone involved

Listens without interrupting

Clearly states needs and wants

Stands up for personal rights good eye contact

Impact of assertive communication:

In control of how they feel and their actions

Feel like they are making progress in their lives

Feel more connected to others

Create a respectful environment that feels safe to share and express themselves without repercussion 

One strategy assertive communication can be achieved is by using “I” statements

“I” statement format: “I feel (blank) when you (blank) because (blank).”

Regular: “You never call. You don't even care”

“I” statement: “I feel hurt when you forget to call because it seems like you don’t care” 

Using “I” statements allow you to communicate how you feel without minimizing or blaming. If we speak in a way that feels “too blaming” (using “you”), the other person may become defensive. 

Assertive communication allows for healthy relationships, promotes good mental health, and self care

Advocating for yourself and your needs in a respectful way is important, especially when you may feel exhausted most days and everything feels out of your control. 

Reflection

Take some time to think about the communication styles above and which one you fall into most often. 

If it is not assertive communication, consider what gets in the way of using this communication style.

Is your communication style different depending on the relationship, why?

With care,

Alison

Stop “shoulding” Yourself

It never really occurred to me before how impactful the word “should” is until I was in a play therapy training a few years back. The instructor had us do an activity where we sat for about 1 minute and all we did was “should” ourselves. By thinking about all the things we “should” be doing. Then she had us notice how we felt afterwards and what it felt like in our body as well. I remember feeling tired, overwhelmed, and honestly bad about myself for everything I felt I “should” be doing and I wasn’t. 

Afterwards, to help us feel better we did a regulation activity that included deep pressure on our arms and legs (squeezing our arms and legs up and down)-try it, it always helps me regulate and calms my body down. Also, taking a few long deep breaths, breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. 

So often we can tell ourselves “oh I should be doing this or that”, laundry, dishes, hang out with a friend, pick up the house, etc. and the list goes on. For whatever reason though, the word “should” can really bring us down. I think it has a way of invalidating all the other things we might be doing and has us focus on the negative and we can inevitably “beat ourselves up” leading us to thinking we are not doing enough or not doing a good enough job. 

Try “flipping the script”. Instead of “I should be doing…” 

Say “I could…”

“I can…”

“I will…”

“I want…”

The sentence starters above have a more positive reframe and outlook on things we want to accomplish instead of putting ourselves down. 

Pay attention to how you feel in your body and what your thoughts are when you “should” yourself vs. using the “flip the script” sentence starters above. 

With care,

alison

*this blog is not a substitute for therapy.  If you are in need of therapeutic services and feel like it would be a benefit to you. Reach out today. I provide counseling through telehealth for women and teens in Colorado helping them find joy, relief, and balance in their lives. 

What we don’t talk about when we become a mama

Loss of Self and Expectations

Bringing home baby is an exciting joyful time and after having my two girls filled with memories I will cherish forever.

I'm here to talk with you today about what people don't really talk about after having a baby. Things considered even taboo…

Loss of Self

There are many losses that we experience after having a baby. We are going through a major life transition and with this comes adapting and growing. Being aware of potential conflicting feelings will help you recognize what is normal and when is it time to reach out for help.

This is not an exhaustive list

Women experience these in different ways

Predictability               Confidence

Calmness                      Self-esteem

Spontaneity                 Freedom

Friends                          Your previous body

Career                            Recreation time

Sleep                              Privacy

Finances                       Intimacy                     

Alone time                   Sexuality

Your former self          Couple time

Self-identity                  Body image

Adult conversation

Postpartum comes with so many feelings to navigate, it can feel overwhelming and distressing at times.

Expectations

Along with navigating this life transition through motherhood. Sometimes we can have expectations for how we “think” things should go or how they should be. 

These include…

“Storybook birth and motherhood experience”. Myth of the “Perfect Mother”

I know for me I dreamed of being a mom since I was a young child and loved playing house and with my dolls. But sometimes we can build up what this perfect motherhood experience is going to be like and in real life this is not the case. Our dreams of motherhood don't account for sleepless nights, overflowing diapers, crying babies, lots of feedings, fatigue, and did I mention lots and lots of diapers. Being a perfect mother does not exist. We do our best and what is best for our family.

Culturally have been taught as a mom-

“We should be able to do it all, never letting anyone see us complain or ask for help”

Social pressures, comparing ourselves to others, and shaming contests can lead us to feeling like a failure and that we aren't good enough. Social media is an area where it's good to take a break from. Remembering most of the time people are showing us their best selves and happiest moments, they aren't showing you their struggles and all the “behind the scenes”. Studies show that apps like Facebook can cause depression.

Fear of judgment

This fear can be debilitating and increase the shame we may feel. This fear that people are going to find us out that we aren't a “good mom”. There are so many pressures we can feel from family, friends, and society that the thought of sharing a different experience is too much. 

It's important to share our stories, value ourselves, and remember our strengths. Recognizing small positives and that this time will pass. 

Most women experience ambivalence and uncertainty when it comes to motherhood. It's normal to fluctuate between sadness, happiness, and anxiety. And some of us may feel very strong emotions that we may not have expected. 

If you feel like everything you are trying is not helping you feel better. Reach out for professional support to learn ways to balance life with new baby and bring joy back into your life. 

with care,

alison 

Reference: Karen Kleiman(2017). The Art of Holding: An Essential Intervention for Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. New York: Routledge.

5 Myths of Mental Illness

This week I’m talking to you about the 5 myths of mental illness to shed some light on thought processes that may get in the way of someone seeking help.

Myth #1 “There's no cure and no recovery”

Sometimes the thought is “okay this must be the way I will always feel”, “this is just what being a mom is like”, “I must be the only one that feels this way”. These thoughts can lead us to feel hopeless, helpless, and alone. Or All or Nothing thinking “if I have depression I will always have depression”, “if I have anxiety I will always have anxiety.” The fact is 80% of women with postpartum depression can successfully heal and overcome their depression. The way towards healing looks different for everyone, but it is possible to overcome. You are worth it

Myth #2 “I’m crazy”

Sometimes the thought is that if I am reaching out for help because I am depressed, having suicidal thoughts, or anxious, that I must be crazy. Or “if I reach out for help or go to the emergency room, they will lock me up, confirming I am crazy”. But the fact is 1 in 5 adults suffer from a mental health condition. You can read my previous blog post on Your Mental Health Matters This means thousands of people go through their day with mental health struggles and this does not mean thousands of people are “crazy”. What it does mean is we are humans, with life struggles and experiences that cause us distress. It is okay to reach out for help, this will allow others to help you, and for you to have a chance at feeling better. Reduce the stigma.

Myth #3 “It’s expensive”

People don’t always prioritize their mental health due to the costs associated with it and will push it aside, until it becomes too distressing and unmanageable. Although research shows that there is evidence that preventive interventions are effective. But, think about this, if someone is sick, they will go to the doctor. For prevention, we are encouraged to go to a yearly check up. If someone has a toothache they will go to the dentist. The standard care is to go to the dentist 2 times a year for cleanings and a check up. But, if someone is struggling with their mental health, it takes on average 11 years before that person will seek professional help. We value healthcare in our country, but our mental health care is not valued as it should be. If you consider the costs of your relationships, getting through your day, meeting your goals, feeling content, and happier versus staying in distress and unhappy, then I think the costs of not getting help are great. If you weigh the costs and benefits from therapy, overall it is worth the investment of your time, when it will help you feel better and learn ways to manage how you feel in challenging situations. Don’t wait and continue to suffer thinking it will go away on its own. 

Myth #4 “Can’t I just take a pill”

Sometimes the thought is that you can just take a medication and you will feel better. But the issue with this thinking is that yes, taking a medication to help ease the symptoms of your depression or anxiety can be helpful, it is not going to completely take away all your symptoms. People can make progress without the use of medications through psychotherapy as well. Research shows that the combination of medication management with counseling can have positive results. The decision to take medications can be decided with a psychiatrist or your primary care doctor, but I would recommend psychotherapy as well. Pregnant and women who are breastfeeding tend to be more cautious about medications and this is what makes therapy a great option. Discussions with your doctor and therapist will determine the best treatment approach to meet your needs. 

Myth #5 “I am my diagnosis”

Sometimes people self identify with their mental health diagnosis to the point of being a hindrance to their progress. This goes along with what I referred to earlier in Myth #1, that if someone has been diagnosed with depression they will always have or suffer from depression. Yes, you have a risk factor that would make you more susceptible for having another depressive episode, but not a guarantee. I think by telling ourselves that you have this diagnosis and it will forever be this way, this can lead to feelings of hopelessness and helplessness that no matter what you do or try, things will not get better or you won’t feel better, or it can be used as an excuse for our behavior for how we might treat others in our life. I see a diagnosis as a way to help guide treatment, define goals our for therapy, and allow treatment to stay focused. Your diagnosis doesn’t have to define you.

If you or a loved one are struggling and need additional support, please seek out care. 

I specialize in working with women who are looking for postpartum depression treatment helping them find joy, relief, and balance in their lives with new baby.

Reach out today and get the help you need for a happier, healthier you

With care,

Alison