How to maximize your emotional well being when modern life hits pause

The past 2 weeks have felt like a whirlwind and it seems like rules and precautions are changing by the hour. I think everyone is feeling uneasiness and worry and that is okay. What we are all experiencing is historic and is shifting our sense of normalcy and routine. There are a lot of unknowns and when we have unknowns this can lead to fear and we tend to fill in the unknowns with worst case scenarios. 

We are in this together and no one is not affected by this pandemic. 

A day before schools were cancelled, my daughter was sharing with me that her hands were shaky all day. I asked her why and she said, “I am worried about the coronavirus”. That one hit close to home for sure, my little first grader still trying to figure out life and school is telling me how scared she is. I tried to create some sense of safety with her, we talked about what she was afraid of more in depth and what her dad and I were doing in order to keep her safe. We also discussed what our days would look like if school were cancelled. This way she had some sort of idea what was going on and what steps we were taking as a family. Still there is this overarching sense of anxiety around. 

Our bodies naturally respond to challenging situations by engage our nervous system in flight or fight. Since we are experiencing this crisis it's natural for some of us to panic, while others may shut down. 

Below are some ways to manage and regulate through this crisis we are in. They are not going take away your anxiety, but will help you get through your day and hopefully provide some sense of control and stability. 

Deep Breaths

Taking long soothing breaths throughout your day is a good way to ground yourself and create a sense of safety. 

Be Honest

Share how you are feeling. It's okay to say you are scared and worried. If you have children it's also okay to tell them this, they are probably feeling it too. Have a conversation with your children and let them ask you questions. This will help them fill in their gaps in the unknown. Kids are like sponges they will feed off of your anxiety whether you realize or not they notice. 

Deep Pressure

Applying pressure, using your hands to gently push on your head, arms, and legs. This one is my favorite and instantly creates a feeling of calm.

Being an external regulator

Practicing these soothing, grounding skills will help you relax and help those to relax around you. We are impacted by the nervous systems of those around us, even if they aren't saying anything. Just like, have you ever walked into a room and you can just “feel the tension”, that's your nervous system signaling how others are feeling. Practice responding, not reacting. 

Create structure/new routines and a sense of normalcy where you can

Whether you have children at home or not, try to have a plan for how you will spend your day. This will help create purpose and a sense of safety, especially as we are social distancing. If you have children, share with them the plan for the day so they know what to expect.

Building regulation into and throughout your day

Regulate and take care of yourself throughout the day. It doesn't take extra time to take deep breaths or apply deep pressure. Regulating your nervous system during the day will help you feel more connected to yourself and create a sense of calm.

Remain connected with friends and family

Find ways to continue connecting with friends and family while practicing social distancing. This can be phone calls, facetime, skype, etc.

This will help feed your need for connection and create a sense of safety without relying on external input. For instance, scrolling social media or watching news updates constantly. Take breaks from this constant input of stimulus as it is probably causing increased anxiety and worry. 

Additional regulating activities

Eat something crunchy

Bounce on yoga ball

Sing (can do with the kids)

Dance

Take a hot bath or shower

Drink through a straw

Wrap up in a blanket and snuggle

Play classical music if anxious, worried, hyper-aroused

Play hard rock, fast paced music if hypo-aroused, tired, and low energy

Wall push ups or push hands together

Doodle/color

Fidget with stress ball or play doh

Paint, draw

Put cold or warm towel on your face

Dim the lights

Read a book

Yoga

Pray

Move, move, move your body

Try a few of these and pay attention to how you feel afterwards.

Stay healthy, stay connected, be kind

with care,

Alison

Please reach out by phone or email if you would like to discuss if counseling would be a good option for you. 

You can also call me at 970-795-2100 or email me alison@hartmantherapyco.com if you would like to talk further if this is a good option for you.

Alison is the owner of Hartman Therapy in Colorado. She offers online counseling helping tired, overwhelmed moms, sad teens, and frustrated parents. Alison has been working with adolescents, families, and adults for the past 7 years helping to build healthy, resilient families. She specializes in perinatal mental health and teen girl depression and anxiety.

What No One Tells You About Postpartum Depression

With maternal mental health more and more in the media and gaining recognition as an issue needing to be addressed. There is still a lack of screening at pediatricians and OB-GYN offices and options for moms can be limited in regards to treatment if they are struggling with mental health issues, specific to the prenatal to postpartum period. 

Stigma is still present and moms are hesitant to start therapy due to barriers to access of services or for a multitude of other reasons; transportation, finances, or they don’t think it is that bad. 

But screening, early intervention, and prevention can make a difference significant in treating postpartum anxiety and depression symptoms earlier so that moms can function and feel like they have the knowledge and skills needed to feel happier, healthier, and confident in themselves as a parent during this major life transition. 

Onset of postpartum depression (PPD)

Postpartum depression can start during pregnancy or within days after giving birth all the way up to a year postpartum. Sometimes this can be overlooked, especially from healthcare providers who are not screening women during prenatal or postpartum follow up visits or at the pediatrician’s office. Screening during these visits is so important and I cannot stress this enough. It allows your doctor to determine what referrals to provide you for additional support and services. This can range from postpartum groups, parenting classes, mental health services, or higher level of care if needed. 

Advocating for yourself

1. If your healthcare providers are not screening for postpartum depression during your visits I would ask them “why not?” By asking this question you are not only advocating for yourself, but for other women as well. 

2. Healthcare providers may say they don’t really see much of it in their patients. But if they aren’t asking the questions, a lot of times people aren’t going to share the information openly. 

3. When we think about this it is really about prevention, better to get the resources and information you need to be successful as a mother and parent sooner before symptoms worsen. 

Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale (EPDS)

Here is the link to a screening tool that is evidenced based and validated for use for postpartum women. It is specific to postpartum women because some of the somatic symptoms of depression like fatigue, change in appetite, sleep problems come with being pregnant and postpartum and it hard to decipher between the two, this is why screening specifically for postpartum is so important and why healthcare providers often miss depression during the postpartum period. 

You can complete the screening tool and it will give you results instantly. You can take this to your next doctor’s visit and discuss it with them. If you live in the state of Colorado, you can contact me and we can discuss your results and your options.  

Edinburgh Postnatal Depression scale (EPDS)

https://psychology-tools.com/test/epds

5 Signs of Postpartum Depression

1. Shame and guilt

New moms can have opposing feelings after having a baby and it can be confusing and lead to feeling guilty or shameful for the thoughts or feelings they may be having. For instance, feeling like what you are going through as a new mom is “not fair”, having this big sense of responsibility for taking care of a newborn that can feel too overwhelming. Also this feeling of loving your baby and wanting to run away. 

2. Inadequacy

Unmanaged these feelings of shame and guilt can lead to feeling inadequate and decrease a mom’s self esteem and confidence in her abilities as a mother. We all have expectations for how we want to be as a parent and if we feel we are not living up to them this can lead to us feeling like a “bad mom”. 

3. Isolating and shutting down

Moms may isolate themselves more. Maybe fearful of being judged by others for how they think and feel or afraid people won’t understand what they are going through. Maybe having scary thoughts that they may do something harmful to their baby and don’t know how to stop the intrusive thoughts, leading to more isolation and shame. Maybe finding it hard to put into words how they are feeling. Sharing your story can be powerful and help you move towards feeling better. 

4. Anxiety, irritability, social and marital distress

Maybe emotions are all over the place. Feeling rageful or  just wanting to scream (or really screaming) and then feeling guilty for this. When a spouse or significant other is depressed this has an impact on the relationship. Couples therapy can be a good option in addition to individual therapy to help with problem solving and decrease negative interactions. 

5. Life stressors

Negative life events can impact our ability to problem solve and increase distressing feelings as we try to manage everything going on. These stressors could be pregnancy loss, traumatic birth, or interpersonal loss (relationship ending with significant other or problems with extended family)etc. 

Why prevention is important

Prevention and starting treatment to address these symptoms early can greatly impact your well being in a positive way and help you to identify helpful skills to use to decrease distressing thoughts and feelings. 

It’s also helpful for your children. Children of depressed parents have an increased likelihood of developing depression themselves. Also if exposed to mother’s depression during pregnancy, children are at higher risk of cognitive deficits, mental health issues, and earlier onset of depression.  

Reach out if you think you may be struggling with postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety. I would be glad to discuss treatment options with you. 

You can call me at 970-795-2100 or email me alison@hartmantherapyco.com if you would like to talk further. I offer free 15 minute consultations. 

with care,

alison

Alison is the owner of Hartman Therapy in Colorado. She offers online counseling helping tired, overwhelmed moms, sad teens, and frustrated parents. Alison has been working with adolescents, families, and adults for the past 7 years helping to build healthy, resilient families. She specializes in perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMAD) and teen girl depression and anxiety. 

Poem on Motherhood

I came across this poem recently and I wanted to share it with you all. It is honest and moving and describes our inner thoughts and feelings on being a mom. Hope you enjoy :) 

Via The Tuna Chronicles

"Mama, you told me

That motherhood would be wonderful.

But Mama, you never told me

What it would do to me.

How it would take the woman that I was;

The woman who thought she knew everything

And could control everything

And break her down and

Teach her that

She had so much to learn.

Mama, you told me

There would be sleepless nights.

But Mama, you never told me

Just how tired I would be;

How sleep would become a luxury, and not something

To which I am entitled;

But that there was nothing sweeter

Than hearing the sound

Of their steady breath while they slept;

And that even when all I wanted

Was to close my eyes

For five more minutes,

Small, soft, chubby arms

Around my neck,

Singing me songs,

Telling me stories,

Giggling and squealing,

Would make me forget how badly I needed to sleep.

Mama, you told me

That I would figure it out one day at a time.

But Mama, you never told me

That motherhood would take the perfectionist in me,

And whittle her down to someone that

Has no choice but to accept

That sometimes,

"Good enough"

Is enough.

Mama, you told me

That motherhood would change the way I think.

But Mama, you never told me

How my sharp memory would be torn into shreds,

And that I would forget,

Misplace,

And confuse things;

But that I would remember nothing more clearly

Than the way the weight of their

Small, warm bodies felt

In my longing arms,

The first time I held them.

Mama, you told me

That motherhood would teach me selflessness.

But Mama, you never told me

How sometimes I would feel like my independence,

My freedom,

My time,

My sense of self,

Had all been taken away

And that I would feel guilty sometimes wishing I could have it all back;

But that in fact, it is a privilege to be needed by someone

So deeply

And that motherhood would gift me

With so many exhilaratingly precious moments

That take my breath away.

Mama, you told me

That motherhood would change my priorities.

But Mama, you never told me

About the worrying;

How much I would worry.

Are they happy? Are they healthy?

Are they okay?

Am I enough?

I didn't know that someone else's needs could

So wholly and completely

Consume my every thought

And that everything else would become

Unimportant,

Secondary,

As long as my children were happy.

Mama, you told me

That it would be a joy to watch them grow up.

But Mama, you never told me

How quickly the time would pass;

How the hours, the days, the weeks and the months

Would slip through

My fingers

So fast

That I would suddenly find myself looking at a child instead of a baby;

A baby instead of a newborn;

And beg time to be a little bit kinder and wait for me to catch up.

Mama, you told me

That motherhood would teach me things.

But Mama, you never told me

How becoming a mother would test me

And push me

And make me doubt myself

And lead me to think that I was doing everything wrong;

But that with each test, each push, each trying moment

It would teach me

How to be better

How to be stronger

And just how much I was capable of.

Mama, you told me

You loved me.

But Mama, you never told me

How that love would run so fiercely through my veins;

How every other kind of love

I have ever felt

Would be nothing like this.

How it would be a love that teaches me

To give more than I ever thought I could give,

To somehow want to give even more when I think I have nothing left,

And to be grateful for the simplest of joys."

Written by Rasha Rushdy for her blog - The Tuna Chronicles

with care,

alison 

happy.healthy.you.

Alison is the owner of Hartman Therapy in Colorado. She offers online counseling helping tired, overwhelmed moms, sad teens, and frustrated parents. Alison has been working with adolescents, families, and adults for the past 7 years helping to build healthy, resilient families. She specializes in perinatal mental health and teen girl depression and anxiety. 

You can contact her at 970-795-2100 or by email alison@hartmantherapyco.com 

What’s your communication style? Is it serving you?

Sometimes it may feel like you aren’t being listened to and no one is really hearing what you are saying. This can lead to feeling hopeless, resentful, and like you are not getting your needs met. When this happens we can feel stuck and more uncertain about the situation. The way we communicate with others can impact how we feel and the health of the relationship. 

As a mom, we wear many different hats and if we are not communicating in a clear, respectful, effective way this will impact our relationships and our mental health. 

Here is a list of the different ways people communicate with one another. 

4 types of communication styles

The first 3 may not be serving you well

Passive Communication

Characteristics and traits of passive communication:

You do not express your needs or feelings

Often do not respond to hurtful situations and all themselves to be taken advantage of or treated unfairly. 

Poor eye contact

Allows others to infringe on their rights

Softly spoken

“Shutting down”

Impact of passive communication:

often feel anxious because life seems out of control

 often feel depressed because they feel stuck and hopeless

often feel resentful (but are unaware of it) because their needs are not being met  

often feel confused because they ignore their own feelings

 are unable to make progress because real issues are never addressed

Aggressive Communication

Characteristics and traits of aggressive communication:

Infringe/violate rights of others when expressing own feelings/needs

May be verbally abusive 

Criticize, humiliate, and domination

Fails to listen to others, interrupts a lot

Easily frustrated

Speaking in loud overbearing way

Impact of aggressive communication

Blame others for how they feel

May isolate themselves from others

Create fear and uneasiness

Passive Aggressive Communication

Characteristics of passive aggressive communication:

Seem passive on the surface, but are acting out their anger in subtle, non-overt ways

May mutter to themselves without speaking directly to the other person

Use facial expressions that don’t match how they feel

Se sarcasm

Deny there is a problem 

Use subtle sabotage to get even

Impact of passive aggressive communication:

Often left feeling resentful, stuck, and hopeless

What we strive for:

Assertive Communication

Expresses feelings and needs in a way that respects the rights of others

Respect for everyone involved

Listens without interrupting

Clearly states needs and wants

Stands up for personal rights good eye contact

Impact of assertive communication:

In control of how they feel and their actions

Feel like they are making progress in their lives

Feel more connected to others

Create a respectful environment that feels safe to share and express themselves without repercussion 

One strategy assertive communication can be achieved is by using “I” statements

“I” statement format: “I feel (blank) when you (blank) because (blank).”

Regular: “You never call. You don't even care”

“I” statement: “I feel hurt when you forget to call because it seems like you don’t care” 

Using “I” statements allow you to communicate how you feel without minimizing or blaming. If we speak in a way that feels “too blaming” (using “you”), the other person may become defensive. 

Assertive communication allows for healthy relationships, promotes good mental health, and self care

Advocating for yourself and your needs in a respectful way is important, especially when you may feel exhausted most days and everything feels out of your control. 

Reflection

Take some time to think about the communication styles above and which one you fall into most often. 

If it is not assertive communication, consider what gets in the way of using this communication style.

Is your communication style different depending on the relationship, why?

With care,

Alison

Stop “shoulding” Yourself

It never really occurred to me before how impactful the word “should” is until I was in a play therapy training a few years back. The instructor had us do an activity where we sat for about 1 minute and all we did was “should” ourselves. By thinking about all the things we “should” be doing. Then she had us notice how we felt afterwards and what it felt like in our body as well. I remember feeling tired, overwhelmed, and honestly bad about myself for everything I felt I “should” be doing and I wasn’t. 

Afterwards, to help us feel better we did a regulation activity that included deep pressure on our arms and legs (squeezing our arms and legs up and down)-try it, it always helps me regulate and calms my body down. Also, taking a few long deep breaths, breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. 

So often we can tell ourselves “oh I should be doing this or that”, laundry, dishes, hang out with a friend, pick up the house, etc. and the list goes on. For whatever reason though, the word “should” can really bring us down. I think it has a way of invalidating all the other things we might be doing and has us focus on the negative and we can inevitably “beat ourselves up” leading us to thinking we are not doing enough or not doing a good enough job. 

Try “flipping the script”. Instead of “I should be doing…” 

Say “I could…”

“I can…”

“I will…”

“I want…”

The sentence starters above have a more positive reframe and outlook on things we want to accomplish instead of putting ourselves down. 

Pay attention to how you feel in your body and what your thoughts are when you “should” yourself vs. using the “flip the script” sentence starters above. 

With care,

alison

*this blog is not a substitute for therapy.  If you are in need of therapeutic services and feel like it would be a benefit to you. Reach out today. I provide counseling through telehealth for women and teens in Colorado helping them find joy, relief, and balance in their lives.